Letting go and leaning in

I have learned that being authentic often comes with being uncomfortable… to get really honest with myself.  This past couple of years have been a powerful piece of my journey.  They have called me to do some simplifying, letting go of titles and certifications.  I have been given clarity that letting go of people that bring chaotic energy or suck my energy is not only not rude or wrong.  It is empowering for them and for me.  I need to take responsibility for my journey, no one else’s.  Letting go of their stuff and sometimes staying out of their space empowers them to take a hard look at their truth and step into vulnerability and authenticity; their unique and juicy journey.
My soul knew that having those titles and certifications was yet another way I was asking for outside validation.  Being able to say, “I own a small business”, “I’m an entrepreneur”, “I have (fill in the blank) certification” stemmed from my insecurity.  Peeling back the layers to truth; what was I really saying?   My soul knew the answer was that I was seeking, “please tell me I’m good enough”, “please love me”.  Whoa!  I am almost 40 and the hits just keep on coming!  I so love this juicy journey.
The first of many decisions in this piece of my journey was closing down a business I had created and fought for for 10 years.  I finally had the amazing team I always wanted, was surrounded by beautiful people who supported each other, and the future was bright.  But I had no more strength; I was exhausted.  My inner voice had been telling me for a few years to close this door so the doors waiting for me could open.  I had been telling that inner voice (yes, often out loud), “I am afraid”.  So I kept having these conversations until it was finally time for me to turn and face my biggest fear.  I made the decision to close down that business; man I can still feel that fear.  I had to look my supportive husband in the face and tell him I was letting go of this venture he had put so much into.  I had to let the tears come as I told him I now knew he had some insightful offerings all those years ago and along the way that I chose to ignore.  I had to acknowledge that the financial fall out of doing this could be miniscule or it could be HUGE…depending on what vendors and debtors decided when I went to them and spoke the truth.  I had to tell the beautiful, strong women that worked for me they had to find another job and ask them to stay with me for the last month, anyway.  I had to notify hundreds of clients and accept that they would respond in various ways.
I decided to really lean in and use this as an opportunity to be completely vulnerable, while standing in the strength of my truth.  I committed to looking my team in the eye and allowing for any feelings they had to be embraced.  I committed to holding the space for clients to walk through the door day in and day out and have whatever feelings they had.  I knew I needed to stand in it and soak it all up.  I began calling vendors and debtors and creating a financial plan to come out on the other side as I discovered which would work with me and which would draw a hard line.  I set some strong intentions and said to the Universe, “I’m trusting you and trusting myself.  I know this will unfold as it is supposed to”.
The doors that began to open quickly and clearly after the day I closed my salon.  I joined a development circle and discovered I’m an empath; there are others who have the same experiences I do and my inclinations to offer energy healing and insightful recognitions of others’ true feelings is real.  I began stepping so deeply into my truth and trusting messages that come and experimenting with them; not caring that there was no label in our society for what felt right for me.
I began trusting deeper and more often and coincidences continued to come.
I have now had some key experiences that are teaching me that even though we have passion for something or love it, doesn’t mean we have to experience it in a certain way.
Just because I trust my inner voice and walk away from a specific experience of something doesn’t mean I am walking away from my true connection with that passion or doing something negative.  For example, I answered the inner calling to go on leave of absence as a Parelli Natural Horsemanship Professional.  This was my first experience of truly loving something so deeply yet knowing I had to experience it in a different way; be willing to let it go.  I have been rewarded with the powerful reminder of the joy of being a student and doing it my way; letting my heart sing.
Today, I have answered yet another calling.  I have un-published my book.  I was so proud and happy to publish my first book.  Writing from my soul has been a part of me since I can remember.  Rather than having judgement about this, however, I acknowledged the inner guidance coming to me and sat with it.  I asked for more clarity and it came.  I don’t know how this will unfold, but there is an editing and re-publishing very likely in the future.  As I continue to gain more confidence and clarity on my deeper truth and step further into my authentic self, the answers will come and the creativity will flow.  I don’t have the answers and I am good with that.  Here’s to this juicy, messy, beautiful journey.

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