Committing to being a lifelong student

The last couple of months have brought challenge and struggle; another beautiful opportunity for growth.
I’ve begun to shift through the struggle and in reflection ask myself how I’ve done with it.  Was I able to be aware of the blessings?  Was I able to maintain emotional fitness?  I am so grateful to the Parelli Program for introducing that concept to me!  The answer to these questions comes to me simply.  To quote Tim Mcgraw’s song, “I’m not as good as I’m gonna get, but I’m better than I used to be”.
These days, when I struggle, I seek out the life lessons I’ve learned and try to apply them during the struggle.  With each challenge and life experience I am reminded that the struggle is the juicy part; the opportunity to be the human I want to be.  It’s never about getting there; it’s about recognizing that I’m already here.  My goal is to revel in that, revel in the struggle and the awareness.
This latest struggle has surrounded financial struggle.  My husband is a government employee and has been affected significantly by the recent events of government shutdown and furloughs.  We immediately got busy budgeting and re-budgeting 🙂  This past year we had an emergency with our beloved dog, Leila, that cost us thousands.  She lived through it and we give gratitude every day for having her in our lives.  That depleted our savings.
Just like many of you, we are experiencing the realities of life and current economic struggle we face as a society.

I have set the intention so many times to see this as a beautiful gift that allows me to connect with others on a shared journey and one that gives me the blessing of deeper gratitude.  I’ve reconnected with growing my food and buying from local farmers.  My husband and I spend time talking and cooking; connecting.  There are so many gifts to not being able to simply spend money rather than time.
The past month has proven to be the most challenging for me, in my pursuit of balance and constant emotional fitness.  My horse has not been well.  The lameness and discomfort she has have not shown clear causes and I’ve struggled to help her.  I’ve gone through phases of dealing with this that make me feel helpless.  I want so badly to help her and haven’t had the answers.
A couple weeks ago, I called my mom and found myself in tears.  I needed to let it go and release.  I was finally at a place where I could accept that once I let go of all my goals and desires and accept what is, my horse could heal.  The answers would come.
First, I had to be honest with myself.  The moment my horse showed lameness, I put a plan into action for her healing.  But my true goal was to get back to cattle work and my L4 pursuit.  I also had to listen to that little voice that was telling me I was spinning a bit as an innate Right Brain Extrovert.  I was struggling with the financial concerns and bringing that to my horse.  I was getting worked up internally; I recognize it as getting fizzy.  I obviously needed a brick upside the head to snap me out of it.

 

With my horse out of commission, I had to spend time focused on her healing and that brought calm and stillness to me.  I kept hearing that little voice saying, “Life is perfect; just let it be”.
As usual with the biggest challenges, some amazing lessons and life experiences have come to me and I’m back to gratitude and better balance.
I’m currently participating in a 6 week course presented by Brene Brown that is intended to help us begin living wholeheartedly.  This week’s lesson focused on Self Compassion and letting go of seeking perfection.  Perfect timing, as always.
I found stillness again this week after letting go of all the things I wanted so badly and focused on completely allowing what is and embracing it.  As I sat with my horse taking in the beauty of her energy and her ability to live in the moment, I was given an awareness that I am always a student and need to remember to focus on being the best student I can be.  I’ve heard Pat and Linda Parelli talk about this and always appreciated it, but on this day I stepped further into that awareness.
As I’ve begun my journey as a Parelli Professional, I’ve struggled with wondering if I can do this.  I’ve asked myself so many times, “do I have any business trying to teach others”?  “Am I good enough?”
This Wholeheartedness course and, of course, the Parelli pathway continue to help me grow from the inside out.  I got the lesson of committing to being a lifelong student from this one.  I don’t need to focus on trying to teach anyone.  My soul knows a big part of my journey is to commit to empowering others and inspiring by being vulnerable and honest.  When I try to think of myself as a teacher, my ego gets involved.  I’m letting that go and listening to that little voice that lets me know what makes my heart sing.  I’m embracing self-compassion and speaking to myself as I speak to people I love.
I’ll continue my Parelli journey as a committed student and share from my heart, allowing my journey to unfold organically.
I am rejuvenated with the commitment to being a lifelong student and all that means.  I am more grateful than ever that I was able to attend my first Parelli Instructor Conference and take in all that was offered.  Pat Parelli talked to us about knowing where we are and embracing that.  It’s up to me how I view each experience.  I have been able to begin turning from a place of worry or judgement of myself for not being further along into a way of thinking that completely embraces the truth of where I’m at and I’m steeping in that.
I had gotten to a place where I felt like once I got a certain life lesson, I should not struggle with that again.  You’re probably laughing right now; I am.
This latest beautiful struggle has brought me past acceptance and fully into embracing the fact that each lesson gets deeper to help me continue to grow.
Here’s to the beautiful struggles and to being a lifelong student.

 

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