When I turned 35 almost a year ago I had a realization that I could continue working on growth in so many areas, as I had been doing for well over a decade, or I could focus on the thing I saw I had been avoiding because it was the most painful and so scary…I lacked real love for myself. I began looking around at people and seeing that the people who had what I wanted had a self assuredness that makes the real difference. What I realized was that when self love is authentic, a person operates from such a different place than when self love isn’t present. The difficult, scary thing I had to be honest about was that I didn’t have that and it affected every thought, word, and action I made and created my character. I was walking through life studying all these self help books and creating mantras and vision boards to create the life I wanted, but at my core, I was lacking the very thing that would make or break whether I began living the life I really wanted or kept finding myself in a cycle that, though it involved lots of achievements, growth and experiences, also continued to be steeped in so much fear, worry, and coming short of where I wanted to be. I looked outside myself for acceptance. It took me years to be able to see this and it was so hard because it hit home so deeply. How interesting that life brought me to a place where I found my passion through Parelli and that very thing that I am most committed to and love the most is the place where I found myself unable to take chances or operate in ways that would undoubtedly bring me much further along in my journey. Over the past 3 years, I’ve been to the Parelli Centers multiple times and after last summer at the Externship, I got really clear on this lack of authentic love of self and how it was holding me back. Though there were so many things to celebrate and beautiful relationships created, I knew I was holding back in some areas due to fear.
All my life I’ve been able to be ballsy and take chances; I’m an entrepreneur, I jump into things with both feet without abandon. I couldn’t wrap my mind around this one. I struggled with why I found myself consistently stopping short of doing or saying things out of fear, while at the Centers. I had finally found my true passion that I knew would be a part of my journey for the rest of my life and I couldn’t find that woman who I’d always been…or told myself I was. I had a belief that when you find your passion, you are great at it and it will “flow”. Well, I now know that finding the things we love truly can bring out our biggest personal challenges and fears. The potential turning point and our options are either facing the fear and moving through it or avoiding the fear and falling back to living the same life we always have. Sometimes I have to just sit and look at the fear and be brave enough not to turn and run, but would be pushing myself over an emotional cliff if I stepped through the fear at that moment. I am grateful to have begun the part of my journey where I will find the biggest desires and see my biggest inner challenges, as I know this will help me grow by leaps and bounds. It will require, however, for me to remember that facing my fears is absolutely necessary to continue my journey in creating the life I crave; the life my soul craves. I have a deep commitment to live with no regrets; every day. My soul craves a life where I help others find authentic self and growth. I must make myself vulnerable and be willing to look at my biggest fears and personal challenges to be able to fill and fulfill my soul. For me, sharing those vulnerabilities and discoveries with all of you is also an integral part of my journey. I’m also discovering that being honest with myself, then sharing with others who connect on this journey and desire to consistently grow is a beautiful way to help me face my challenges and fears; this biggest one being realization that every thought and action I take is directly related to my growth of finding self love and acceptance.
For the last year, I have been seeking and committed to tools to help me continually look at whether my actions come from self acceptance or needing acceptance from the outside. In many instances, faking it til I make it works, but when those moments of recognition of self love show up, it’s akin to how it feels for me when I’m with a horse and feel a soul connection that comes only with putting the relationship first, as the Parelli program teaches us. I am finding the biggest changes of my life from the inside and have been moved to share this with you. It feeds my soul to do so and I truly hope something in my sharing resonates with you on some level. I am so grateful for this supportive community who share guidelines, principles, and core values. We are each forever changed for having this incredible community and a place to connect with so many others whose souls resonate. I find myself, yet again, in awe of this beautiful program, business, and family Pat and Linda Parelli have created and how the world is changing every moment of every day because of the people making inner changes due to the Parelli program. Beautiful. THANK YOU
Soulseeker Journey 